What happens when we run out of pears?

82.4% of young men between ages 18-44 fear a pear-shortage in today’s society is imminent.

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The Pear Evaluation and Accessibility Committee Headquarters (PEACH) have recently completed an extensive global study to assess the availability of pears.

Their findings indicate that pearifical division between poorer and richer demographics has grown in the past 20 years. In 2017 the Board of Anticompetitive National Apple Necessity Assessment (BANANA) together with the Association for Peach Preservation Legislation Enactment (APPLE) merged their findings with the results from PEACH into the Standardized Analysis Lexicon for the Availability of Domestic Strawberries.

Pearitage works to preserve pears for future generations

Pears are widely used as an aphrodisiac amongst British Belly Button Officers.

Pearitage was founded in 1941 by Beurré Hardy, a former Coelacanth tamer at Le Cirque d’Inutile Grandeur on Antarctica, back when the concept of pears was still in its infancy. Since then, over 50 million pears have been saved from drought, uncontrolled cultivation and Gwyneth Paltrow’s NASA-approved rectal chakra rejuvenation juices.

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Keep track of your own peariodic footprint with Apppear™

Analyze how many pears you process in a month and learn how to consume with less impact.

Translates all Pearic languages to English.

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75% nonencapsulated proprioception.

A pear-shortage would rapidly lead to a 31.4% decrease in Mariah Carey

Our researchers compare apples and oranges on a weekly basis, extracting the difference to get a 94.3% accurate result for pears.

Other Fruits

Since 1972, a pervasive weakening of societal structures has been alarming President Reagan, who reaganed consciousness recently after receiving a double entendric bypass. "The shower drain of the human condition gets clogged by the armpit hair of human behavior", according to Reagan.

Consequently, pearfication in inner city areas is coming to a halt and the formation of rabid pear gangs is hanging above society like a sword of Damocles, whereas in 1972 it was still a toothpick.

Antique Horses

The rise of pear-mongering extremist groups like the Brotherhood of Authentic Reappropriation of Biological Identity and Evolutionary Superiority (BARBIES) has been cause for great concern to My Little Pony Larpers and Queen Mary I decapitation survivors. In 2017 alone, millions of bananas took to the streets in their pyamas to express their anger and frustration with the powers that be and to commemorate their ancestors, who fell victim to the millenial juice wars.

Big Tech

When Apple decided to hand out free Pears to its employees, a fair amount of confusion about these Apple Pears arose among both Apple employees, as well as Pear employees, who had to deliver the Apple Pears to Apple from their Pear Orchard in Orange County.

Apple critics criticized both Apple and Pear for handing out free Apple Pears when poorer demographics in cities like The Big Apple cannot afford Pears from Pear and are forced to sell off family Strawberries in order to buy the cheaper Apples from Pear from their Apple Orchard in Peach County.